This guest article is contributed by Brandon Trlak, lead singer of The Midnight Wedding. “Kill Me” is the band’s latest single, a song that takes us into Brandon’s deeply personal struggle with suicidal depression.
Content note: suicide and depression
“Kill Me” is a song that talks about a deep and often hidden struggle in the fight for the heart and mind. It’s a song that talks about my struggles with depression and anxiety. The constant daily fight to live. “Kill Me” was written from a place of Agony.
Agony is defined as extreme or intense physical or mental suffering. This definition doesn’t mince words, and it hits the nail on the head with the truth like a giant sledge hammer.
For me, mental agony is the worst, because it tells lies to those afflicted that there is no end or cure. Mental Agony is often the driving force behind suicides and attempts at suicide. The person suffering from mental agony often feels like there’s no escape or freedom from this suffering, and in that moment, the pain is so deep and so hard that they feel the only hope they have is found in ending the race they are running.
They aren’t cowards or even really wanting their life to end. They are simply wanting the agony to let go of them and stop. I saw someone write on social media one day, “If my depression wins: to my friends and family, just know that I love you.” This was painful to read and also so deep to connect to. What a profound statement. It really is the reason why those who are suffering with depression and agony think about or attempt taking their own life: they just want the Agony to end.
But here’s what’s more shocking:
It was announced recently that suicide is now the leading cause of death among teenagers and young adults. The leading cause of death is not car accidents or physical disease: suicide. Let that sink in, that the leading cause of death among our teens and youth here in America is suicide, because they’re in so much agony that they think the only hope they have is ending the beautiful life that was a gift to them. 50,000 committed suicide in 2020 alone, and 1.8 million attempted it. 1.8 Million: this number is staggering.
I suffer from Agony. There are days I’m not sure I’m going to make it out of bed or see the sun. There are days I’m in so much pain that the suffering brings a debilitating fear and it shuts my mind, heart, and soul down. But there’s a light in me that burns everyday like a candle flickering through an ever-present darkness, a light that gives enough faith to believe I can live. I have a hope that carries me through everyday. Whenever this agony grips me and doesn’t let go, I carry it to the cross, and in the suffering of the cross I find hope. That hope is in Jesus.
My life has been a journey of broken roads, deep valleys, overwhelming mountains, and hopeless deserts at times, all of which lead me straight to Jesus. Because in the midst of all these moments in my life, I’ve found breathtaking skies at night lit up by the galaxies or stars, the stunning sunsets of pure color painted by the Master’s hand, and I’ve found true beauty in the mess that I’ve made because He called my name out of this wilderness into His arms. I was lucky, undeserving, and not worthy of the love that has been given to me. But there He was in the midst of my despair and agony: Jesus, the hope of my heart and life.
There is a hope that is everlasting, there is a love that is completely fulfilling. There is a God who loves you and doesn’t hate you for who you are. Yes, He loves you just the way you are, and if you’re willing to allow Him in, He can change your life and be that hope to live each and everyday. Even in the midst of the worst storm or darkness, His light will never be put out. There is hope.
Find “Kill Me” on Spotify and Apple Music.
If you or someone you love is struggling with suicidal thoughts, you can call 800-273-8255 or text HOME to 741741. Find more resources at twloha.com/find-help.